I stumbled in the cold darkness, the air stung my face and my legs
seemed unwilling to carry me as quickly as my brain insisted, “ I need
you, Macee is hurt”.
I saw the lights glowing
bright, yet it seemed to be such a long way to the barn. My pounding
heart choked my breath as those words echoed repeatedly in my head.
Reaching my best friends stall seeing Scott standing quietly his cell
phone pressed to his ear his voice low like a stressed whisper. Seeing
my Macee standing trembling in the stall, feeling like I just crested
the first downhill drop on some amusement park ride, my guts knotted, I
was flushed with terror. Stepping into Macee’s stall I pulled quiet
calmness from some hidden corner of my soul. Oh my friend, I choked on
the thought as my fingers ran the length of her warm sleek coat, her
left hind leg cocked resting on the toe of her hoof, it was evident that
the injury was severe.
It was surreal as the time stood still, and every second felt like
hours, then the silence was severed by the ring of the cell phone, “it’s
Kristine”, he said softly as he handed the phone to me. Burning rose in
my throat, “Please come, I think Macee has broken her leg”, after she
gave me some instruction on giving a pain medication, my lifeline to the
vet went silent. Scott was mixing a hot bran mash for her as I shuffled
through the medications, reading them through tears. Not finding what I
needed I asked Scott to go to the house where I kept a back up of
medications. I held the warm bran, Macee pressed her muzzle into the
bucket, she ate only since I offered. I let the bucket drop to the stall
floor as I pressed my body as close to her as I could, in some sense to
become one with her, she accepted me in such loving comfort. Tears
streamed down my face in the cold. Together our breath rose and fell
like a rhythmic wave and once again, time crawled in the night.
I felt Macee’s body tighten and then Scott quietly handed me the
medication, now there you go girl I said so softly as I dispensed the
instructed amount.
I told myself I was over reacting, that it was surely something that
could be fixed, and then I would again feel that knot, the knowing knot.
Macee shifted slightly no longer able to bear the pain of standing,
gracefully collapsing to the stall floor. I followed her and cradled her
head in my lap, time stopped as I looked into her gentle eye, my face
found hers and I silently wailed to God to not abandon my dear friend,
to take her pain, give me the pain as I could bare it. I asked God to
let me carry her pain as she had carried me for so many years, yet I
heard no answer. Still we both stayed, I told her of my joy of loving
her, I told her of my regrets of too little time.
Sorry for all the moments I let life take me from her side, all the
rides we did not have, yet I begged her not to go for I did not know how
I would survive without her.
In time Kristine arrived, I filled with panic as I waited for the
results and again time crept on. I grew calm as I inhaled her smell and
watched her warm breath push from her nostrils’. I heard a truck in the
distant night and stood, anxious. I stared into the darkness, no truck,
just gloomy silence. A gentle nicker broke the quiet and I turned to
Macee’s call, I knelt at her head, her lip nuzzled my forearm. Macee
began to grow restless, she was lying on her injured leg and was moving
to adjust herself, her breath was deeper now more stressed as the vet
arrived. I relayed to Kristine that Macee was feeling pain, quickly an
injection was given and my friend was resting more comfortably. Kristine
had with her the digital x-ray machine and administered an anesthesia so
manipulation of Macee’s leg would not cause pain for her.
Each x-ray as she worked up the leg gave way to despair; there it was
a massive spiral fracture of the femur. “I’m sorry”, Kristine said
softly as she stood looking at the last x-ray. Kristine made her way to
the truck as I lay next to Macee and kissed her eyelid as my fingers
traced her features, “Are you ready”, Kristine asked , “Yes”, I tucked a
lap blanket a little more under Macee’s head for her comfort and cradled
her in my arms as I again kissed and whispered to my friend.
She left me then, her last breath was taken - held so tightly in my
begging arms, the ache inside escaped my eyes in streams of tears. I
lost my best friend, and in her going she showed me her spirit and
grace, she carried me.
S.M. SMITH
